Dear Dylan, Ryan & Ava
Happy 1st Birthday Babies. A year ago today you were born. Your Daddy and I were so scared. It was way too early, and the Dr's didn't give us much hope. When the Nurse told us that you guys were coming and there was nothing else they could do, my heart sank. All I could think of was your health.
A team of Nurses and Doctors rushed me down to the operating room. When we got there, we were greeted with a HUGE team of people that were going to help with your delivery. Altogether there was about 30 people. There was a room right off of mine where some of the teams were waiting. Each team had about 10 people, some Docs, some nurses, respiratory therapists and the transport teams. I was so scared. Your Daddy came into the room. He was a mess. He held my hand and we prayed while the Doctors started the C-section. Before you were born we realized that we still hadn't picked out your names. Since we were informed you would probably not make it, we didn't want you to be born without names. We wanted each of you to be known as a person instead of "Baby A, B, C".
Dylan, you were named by and after your Daddy. Your Daddy didn't want a Jr so instead he named you Dylan Gregory.
Ava, your sister named you. I wanted to name you Abby or Casey. Your sister however always called my belly "Ava". I do love the name Ava. Your middle name came from your Mom and Sister, Aunt Sarah and G. Grandma Maust, we all have the same middle name. It was going to be Ava Elise, but I didn't want to break the chain. So that's how your name came to be Ava Jane.
Ryan, I wish I could say that I had your name picked out for months and months, but I didn't. I still don't know where it even came from. I think when we were naming you someone said the name Ryan in the operating room and I was so dopey from all the med's that I repeated it, and it stuck. I thought you were going to be a Mason, Brayden or a Brandon. I remember asking your Daddy "Did we really name him Ryan?" Your middle name is from your Great Grandpa Maust, who passed a month before you were born. His name was Herschel Willard, well when he was a kid he was called Andy, so that's where Andrew came from....You also look a bit like him and have a lot of the same mannerisms. As the months went on you started to look like a Ryan. I think your name fits you perfectly....and I do love it now. My Ryan Andrew.
When the Doctor pulled you out Dylan, he held you up for a brief second. I will never get that image out of my mind. You were the smallest baby I had ever seen. Honestly you looked like a newborn puppy, that's the only thing I could compare it to. Ryan and you were both born in the same minute and Ava came in the next minute. You 3 are all about 20 seconds apart. So yes you technically the oldest and biggest.
Dylan Gregory~1 lb 3 1/2 oz. 12"
Ryan Andrew~1 lb 3 oz. 11 3/4"
Ava Jane~1 lb 2.98oz. 11 3/4"
As soon as you guys were out, you were whisked away to another room where the Doctors frantically worked on all of you. You were given medicines for your lungs and you were all given breathing tubes. While they were working on you guys, Your Daddy and I were sent to a recovery room. While we were waiting the Nurses cleared the room except for us. They then let your Grandparents, Aunts, and uncle come in and wait with your Dad an I. About an hour later the transport team brought each of you in for us to see you. I was in shock. I was scared to touch you. They demanded that I touched each of you before they took you to Children's hospital. All of us were speechless, nobody knew what to say. We all hoped for the best and yet we were still filled with doubt. As you left the transport team left me with a picture of each of you. They also gave me these little rag dolls to sleep with, so that I could give them to you in the next couple of days, so you wouldn't feel alone.
The very next day I went to see you in the NICU. I never knew how many sick babies there are. I just looked around, all the machines, and alarms. I was in awe. Your Daddy proudly introduced me to each of you guys and your nurses. I touched your small hands. I was amazed. You all were so tiny. You were so early. Your little eyes were still fused shut. Your skin was still transparent, I could see your veins and organs, etc. I couldn't believe it. There you were with all your tubes and wires. I didn't know what to say or do. I just told each of you that I loved you, and whatever will be will be. I said a prayer over each one of you. I made so many promises to God. I swore I would be the best Mother ever, I would do this, and that, just to have you make it. As I left the Hospital, I broke down. I thought babies that small don't make it.
In the 4 1/2 months that you guys were there, you all gave us some pretty good scares. At one point or another we almost lost each of you. I would watch the Dr's and nurses bring you back to life each time. I would just close my eyes and thank God that you made it through yet again.
Ryan there was one time in particular that I didn't think you would make it. You decided that you didn't want to breath anymore. It took over an hour for them to get a breathing tube in you. You were beyond blue, you were this weird shade of purple and gray. I stood back and watched and prayed that you could make it one more time. You did. Thank God. After you ordeal the NNP came over and told me that the brain can go without oxygen for about 4 mins and you only went 2 -2 1/2 minutes before they started to bag you. You scared me young man.
Dylan when we found out that you had NEC and had to have emergency surgery, we were warned that a lot of the times when babies get NEC they do not make it. I was so scared. I pretty much held my breath the entire surgery. You made it. Praise God, you made it.
Ava when we first heard of the small hole on the outside of your heart we were afraid. Now we know that a PDA is very common and easily repaired. It is scary however when your 14oz baby is going up for surgery. Your Brain bleed also scared us and Thanks be to God, that is resolving on it's own.
The months that you were in the NICU were literally the hardest months of my life. I came and saw you guys everyday. I longed to bring you home and finally get a chance to be your Mommy. When the time came for each of you to come home we were so excited. I couldn't believe you made it. I was so happy! Once home I couldn't put you guys down. Finally I could hold you whenever I wanted. I could be your mommy. We could finally be a family. It sure wasn't all easy though. You guys came with heart monitors and meds and Ryan with your NG tubes... Those 1st few months home I didn't think we would ever make it.
Now you guys are crawling and laughing. I can't believe it. I swear the first time each of you said mama I bawled like a baby. Each time you look me in the eyes and smile my heart melts, I could just start crying all over again. You 3 have taught me so much. You have made me a better person. I only hope that I can be the Mother that you all deserve. I'm sorry I couldn't carry you longer and spare you some of the pain, but everything happens for a reason. I have an entirely new outlook on life now. I pray that each of you will grow to be big and strong. I pray that each of you go on to do wonderful things. I wish I could keep you away from all the bad things in life. I know there will be times when you will need someone. I promise that I will be here for each of you...always. I love you all so very much, and I couldn't picture my life without you.
So Happy 1st Birthday to my 3 little miracles.
I love you Dylan!
I love you Ryan!
I Love you Ava!
With all My Love,
Your Mommy
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